The other day my family was sitting around cracking open fortune cookies to read their fortunes. Why they had so many fortune cookies, I'm not sure. Perhaps Mama Cat decided to make a pit stop to the Fortune Cookie Factory (and yes, such a place does exists.) Bro Cat pulled out a fortune that read,
"Something on 4 wheels will soon be a fun investment for you!"
WW's response, "Ya, 2 bicycles."
Followed by "Tell your sister that for her blob. See, I'm funny."
Oh Papa Cat...
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Work Is Thieving My Vision
I apologize for the long hiatus since my last post. I have a good excuse, I promise. So… basically I spent the past 2 weeks freaking out because I thought I was going blind in one eye. It all started when I began my new job in January. At work I stare at a computer screen for 8 hours a day, and by the end of the day I could barely read out of my left eye. It felt like I was only wearing one contact lens (for any one who knows the feeling.) OMG my work is thieving my vision!! I spent all last weekend scared sh*tless, thinking that I was going blind and would need a glass eye. A friend of mine even took the courtesy of Googling “glass eye.” Don’t do it, it will only make you feel worse… Thanks MM. After countless conversations with Mama Cat and other close friends making glass eye jokes, I decided to make an appointment to get the situation checked out. Meanwhile, I spent the days leading up to my appointment having slight heart attacks alone in my cubicle, thinking about all the possible causes of my blindness.
Luckily I live in the city that has the best optometry school in the country, and was able to get in for an appointment pretty quickly. Since it is a teaching school, I had a young man in his 3rd year do my eye exam. I could tell he was worried after performing the test, “Which lens is better? 1 or 2? Can you read the letters out to me?” To which my response was, “They’re all bad…and what letters? I can’t even see any letters.” You know something is wrong when a student says “I’ll be right back, I just need to check something with my supervisor.” All I could think was “FML, I need a glass eye.” So 2 hours later, they figured out that I have SUPER dry eyes and the “dryness” (or whatever) was blocking my line of vision in one eye. Really?!? That’s ALL?? Well, it means no contacts for 2 weeks and an eye drop regiment, but at least NO GLASS EYE!!! I really dodged a bullet.
As I was celebrating my new found appreciation for my eyes, the optometry student and his supervisor wanted to check to make sure that there nothing else was wrong with the back of my eyeballs. This involved dilating my pupils, causing blurred vision and sensitivity to sunlight for a couple hours. I had to go back to work after, but I thought, whatever, might as well. (When in Rome?) Yeah, so I get outside and find myself BLINDED by the slight ray of sun poking out from behind the clouds. It literally felt like the lightsabers were being jabbed through my eyes!! I had no idea where the bus stop was, so I wandered up the street, blind, looking like a complete psycho. Luckily I came across a bus stop with a bench; otherwise I never would have been able to see the bus stop sign. Ok, so I managed to get on the bus and get downtown to my office. I sat down at my computer only to realize that I couldn’t read a single thing. So I put some props up on my screen and ate snacks as slowly as I could until the blindness wore off. Wow… what an awesome day.
So this is my warning to you. Hit up the eye drops hard!! (Unless you live in Florida, then you’re probably ok.) Apparently lots of office buildings are super super dry, especially in the winter. Dry eyes can strike without any symptoms, so save yourself the “glass eye scare” and get some drops! People in your office might think you’re getting baked all the time, but at least you won’t look like Frankenstein.
…and that was why I haven’t updated lately. But since the eye situation is under control, there will be more Papa Cat stories to come!
P.S. Helen Keller was an amazing woman.
Luckily I live in the city that has the best optometry school in the country, and was able to get in for an appointment pretty quickly. Since it is a teaching school, I had a young man in his 3rd year do my eye exam. I could tell he was worried after performing the test, “Which lens is better? 1 or 2? Can you read the letters out to me?” To which my response was, “They’re all bad…and what letters? I can’t even see any letters.” You know something is wrong when a student says “I’ll be right back, I just need to check something with my supervisor.” All I could think was “FML, I need a glass eye.” So 2 hours later, they figured out that I have SUPER dry eyes and the “dryness” (or whatever) was blocking my line of vision in one eye. Really?!? That’s ALL?? Well, it means no contacts for 2 weeks and an eye drop regiment, but at least NO GLASS EYE!!! I really dodged a bullet.
As I was celebrating my new found appreciation for my eyes, the optometry student and his supervisor wanted to check to make sure that there nothing else was wrong with the back of my eyeballs. This involved dilating my pupils, causing blurred vision and sensitivity to sunlight for a couple hours. I had to go back to work after, but I thought, whatever, might as well. (When in Rome?) Yeah, so I get outside and find myself BLINDED by the slight ray of sun poking out from behind the clouds. It literally felt like the lightsabers were being jabbed through my eyes!! I had no idea where the bus stop was, so I wandered up the street, blind, looking like a complete psycho. Luckily I came across a bus stop with a bench; otherwise I never would have been able to see the bus stop sign. Ok, so I managed to get on the bus and get downtown to my office. I sat down at my computer only to realize that I couldn’t read a single thing. So I put some props up on my screen and ate snacks as slowly as I could until the blindness wore off. Wow… what an awesome day.
So this is my warning to you. Hit up the eye drops hard!! (Unless you live in Florida, then you’re probably ok.) Apparently lots of office buildings are super super dry, especially in the winter. Dry eyes can strike without any symptoms, so save yourself the “glass eye scare” and get some drops! People in your office might think you’re getting baked all the time, but at least you won’t look like Frankenstein.
…and that was why I haven’t updated lately. But since the eye situation is under control, there will be more Papa Cat stories to come!
P.S. Helen Keller was an amazing woman.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
My Blob
This just in, WW thinks I write a "Blob."
I was talking to Mama Cat on the phone the other night when she said something funny. So Papa Cat asked me "Are you going to write about your mom in your blob now?" One of the many examples of WW's Techno Peasantry...
I was talking to Mama Cat on the phone the other night when she said something funny. So Papa Cat asked me "Are you going to write about your mom in your blob now?" One of the many examples of WW's Techno Peasantry...
Monday, January 31, 2011
Party Animals
So do you remember going to your first party? (And by party I am referring to the kind where teenagers congregate in their parents’ basement, drink 1.5 coolers and then hug the porcelain for the rest of the night.) What did your parents say before you left the house? Probably something along the lines of "have fun, stay safe, be home by midnight." Well, things went a little differently in the WW household. As I was getting ready to go to my first party with a couple girlfriends, WW came to me and suggests that I bring the following 3 things to the party:
1) A whistle
2) Bear spray
3) A small Native American dagger
Yeah, he was 100% serious. Ok, I guess a whistle is somewhat justifiable…but not when you wear it around your neck like a soccer coach, as WW suggested. "*TWEEET!* STOP THE PARTY! DROP AND GIVE ME 10 before you try to roofy me again." I think it would have been a choking hazard more than anything. Secondly, bear spray?!? Chances are I will end up spraying myself in the eyes by accident. Lastly, why do you even have a dagger?? It looked like it should have been an artifact in a museum! And lets be serious, where did he expect me to keep said dagger? “Don’t worry guys, it’s just my casual dagger sticking out of my back pocket.”
I guess WW misunderstood and thought there would literally be animals at this party.
1) A whistle
2) Bear spray
3) A small Native American dagger
Yeah, he was 100% serious. Ok, I guess a whistle is somewhat justifiable…but not when you wear it around your neck like a soccer coach, as WW suggested. "*TWEEET!* STOP THE PARTY! DROP AND GIVE ME 10 before you try to roofy me again." I think it would have been a choking hazard more than anything. Secondly, bear spray?!? Chances are I will end up spraying myself in the eyes by accident. Lastly, why do you even have a dagger?? It looked like it should have been an artifact in a museum! And lets be serious, where did he expect me to keep said dagger? “Don’t worry guys, it’s just my casual dagger sticking out of my back pocket.”
I guess WW misunderstood and thought there would literally be animals at this party.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sh*t My Kids Are Useless!
A recent conversation with Bro Cat assured me that I will never run out of material to blog about.
“Yesterday we were talking about how you and I are both the same blood type as Mama Cat, and that we're compatible if anyone needs a kidney. WW, being a different blood type stated, ‘Sh*t! Both my kids are useless!’”
-Bro Cat circa January 2011
Keep ‘em coming WW!! You can’t make this sh*t up.
“Yesterday we were talking about how you and I are both the same blood type as Mama Cat, and that we're compatible if anyone needs a kidney. WW, being a different blood type stated, ‘Sh*t! Both my kids are useless!’”
-Bro Cat circa January 2011
Keep ‘em coming WW!! You can’t make this sh*t up.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Windshield Washer Fluid
WW HATES using windshield washer fluid. Not only does he boycott using, but he also yells at anyone else in the house that uses it. Whenever possible, he will throw handfulls of snow on the windshield and then use the windshield wipers once it melts. However, if WW is driving and can’t get to a snow bank, he can frequently be found squirting water out of the sunroof and on to the windshield at stoplights. He ALWAYS leaves a bottle of water in his car strictly for this purpose. The one time I took the water bottle out of the car, I got reamed out. Ok Dad, I’ll compensate you for the 10 cents you had to use in windshield wiper fluid. Although, getting reamed out was nothing compared to the embarrassment my brother and I went through when WW used to drop us off at school. In junior high and high school, he used to make us throw snow on the windshield when we got out of the car… I'm not quite sure how I even had friends.
If you see someone poking out of a sunroof, pouring water on the windshield, please befriend him/her. He/she will make your life significantly more humorous.
I came home one night after driving the car and WW asked how many times I had to use the windshield washer fluid (I’m not even kidding, this was the first thing he said when I got in the house.) I told him “Once!” What he doesn’t know is that it was for five minutes straight!! Haha Joke’s on you Dad!
Oh, I also got an update from Bro Cat about the mud flap kicking situation. Apparently it has gotten worse. WW realized that, the snow that falls off the mud flaps on the driveway contains little rocks. Well, if left overnight, the rocks will freeze to the pristine driveway. So the new rule is that you must either stop the car in the middle of the road before kicking the snow off (what a safe suggestion), or you have to use a broom and immediately sweep it off the driveway… Times is mad hard at the W household.
If you see someone poking out of a sunroof, pouring water on the windshield, please befriend him/her. He/she will make your life significantly more humorous.
I came home one night after driving the car and WW asked how many times I had to use the windshield washer fluid (I’m not even kidding, this was the first thing he said when I got in the house.) I told him “Once!” What he doesn’t know is that it was for five minutes straight!! Haha Joke’s on you Dad!
Oh, I also got an update from Bro Cat about the mud flap kicking situation. Apparently it has gotten worse. WW realized that, the snow that falls off the mud flaps on the driveway contains little rocks. Well, if left overnight, the rocks will freeze to the pristine driveway. So the new rule is that you must either stop the car in the middle of the road before kicking the snow off (what a safe suggestion), or you have to use a broom and immediately sweep it off the driveway… Times is mad hard at the W household.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Techno-Peasant Using Wi-Five
First of all, I would like to make an amendment to my definition of "Snow Farming." After reading my previous post, my mom made it clear that the full definition is, "Taking snow from the driveway (or from our composite, maintenance-free deck) and putting it on the grass or bushes." WW does this to spread the snow evenly so that somehow, in minus 20 weather, it can melt and nourish the grass. When I called WW to ask him exactly how this melting process happens, his exact words were, "That's the characteristics of snow, stupid. An Eskimo could tell you the same thing!" It's safe to say that WW and the Eskimos have no idea what they're talking about, since we have by far the rattiest looking lawn on the street.
Another note about the lawn...
In the summer, WW tries to water the lawn as infrequently as possible. There are a few reasons for this:
1) He doesn't want the lawn to grow so that he doesn't have to mow it... oh and watching WW mow the lawn is quite the sight... it involves coveralls and a SARS mask
2) He doesn't want to pay for excessive use of water. He claims it's for environmental reasons, but I think it's really just the dollars and cents that keep him up at night (I am told on a daily basis that we are on food stamps)
Now that I got that out of the way, I'd like to talk a bit about WW's skills with technology... or lack there of. He has often been described as a "Techno-Peasant." For starters, I became the Golden Child when I showed WW how to use YouTube in 2008... about 3 years after it was created. While listening to music on YouTube, he was convinced that it was illegal because he was "downloading" music. Watch out Dad, the cops are going to get you for YouTubing too much Fleetwood Mac!!
You can only imagine how confused WW was when he got his new Blackberry. I have explained to him numerous times that BBM stands for Blackberry Messenger. Yet every time I ask him if he got my BBM, he asks "what's a BBM?" BLACKBERRY MESSENGER, DAD! Blackberry Messenger. You would be surprised how difficult it is to teach a Techno-Peasant the concept of "data." First he thought that it went through as a text message, then he asked if it used "Wi-FIVE." Not Wi-fi, Wi-FIVE. I hope he never finds out about the barcode scanner to add contacts. I do not want to try to explain how that one works. On a side note, WW clearly does not realize that the "R" means that I can see that he has read my BBM. Quite frequently he will read my BBMs and never respond. Like the time I wished him happy birthday and got no response. Zero BBM courtesy I tell you! So don't be offended if he does this to you, because he does it to his own daughter. Although I am fairly certain that I am his only contact on BBM anyways. My Mom and Brother have both boycotted getting Blackberrys for the reason that they refuse to be WW's 24-hour help desk. Good call Mamacat and Brocat.
Another note about the lawn...
In the summer, WW tries to water the lawn as infrequently as possible. There are a few reasons for this:
1) He doesn't want the lawn to grow so that he doesn't have to mow it... oh and watching WW mow the lawn is quite the sight... it involves coveralls and a SARS mask
2) He doesn't want to pay for excessive use of water. He claims it's for environmental reasons, but I think it's really just the dollars and cents that keep him up at night (I am told on a daily basis that we are on food stamps)
Now that I got that out of the way, I'd like to talk a bit about WW's skills with technology... or lack there of. He has often been described as a "Techno-Peasant." For starters, I became the Golden Child when I showed WW how to use YouTube in 2008... about 3 years after it was created. While listening to music on YouTube, he was convinced that it was illegal because he was "downloading" music. Watch out Dad, the cops are going to get you for YouTubing too much Fleetwood Mac!!
You can only imagine how confused WW was when he got his new Blackberry. I have explained to him numerous times that BBM stands for Blackberry Messenger. Yet every time I ask him if he got my BBM, he asks "what's a BBM?" BLACKBERRY MESSENGER, DAD! Blackberry Messenger. You would be surprised how difficult it is to teach a Techno-Peasant the concept of "data." First he thought that it went through as a text message, then he asked if it used "Wi-FIVE." Not Wi-fi, Wi-FIVE. I hope he never finds out about the barcode scanner to add contacts. I do not want to try to explain how that one works. On a side note, WW clearly does not realize that the "R" means that I can see that he has read my BBM. Quite frequently he will read my BBMs and never respond. Like the time I wished him happy birthday and got no response. Zero BBM courtesy I tell you! So don't be offended if he does this to you, because he does it to his own daughter. Although I am fairly certain that I am his only contact on BBM anyways. My Mom and Brother have both boycotted getting Blackberrys for the reason that they refuse to be WW's 24-hour help desk. Good call Mamacat and Brocat.
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