WW is very peculiar about food. It’s not so much that he doesn’t like certain foods, but more the way he consumes them.
Alcohol
WW clearly lacks the enzyme to digest alcohol, but he somehow feels the need to try whatever I am drinking. He once had a single sip of my cooler and, after turning bright red, proceeded to lie down on the couch & tell us to call 911 if he starts having a heart attack. So you would think that he would stay away from any type of alcoholic beverage after this experience… but noo… my Dad insists that he has “never tried that kind of drink before.” So when my friend LN came over, WW insisted on trying a sip of her raspberry cider. He clearly didn’t realize that it was spiked cider, since the second I said “Dad, you know that has alcohol in it,” he spat it out into the sink & said, “WHAT?!? I’m going to be drunk!” He then popped an Advil (for who knows what reason) and made Bro Cat drive to hockey that night. Okay Dad, it’s impossible to get drunk off swishing 8% cider in your mouth… I’m pretty sure Ke$ha brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack and she’s still standing (kinda).
Cheese
My Dad loathes cheese. He literally cringes at the sight and smell of cheese. Which is why it is hilarious to pretend to put cheese on whatever we’re having for dinner that night. Bro Cat and I never get tired of the ol’ “Oops, sorry Dad, we made accidentally put LOTS of cheese in your pasta.” His usual response is “Shut up sh*t heads!” WW also tried to order a pizza without cheese. Who does that?!
Mayo
When I was home for Christmas last year, I had the privilege of witnessing WW make a sandwich. Clearly he doesn’t grasp the whole concept of the new “E-Z Squeeze” Mayonnaise bottles. First he unscrews the lid and then uses a knife to get the mayo out. I started to laugh at him when the mayo began to sink to the bottom, making it impossible to get out. His response to this was “Good, I was done with it anyways!” Oh dad…
Oatmeal
It has come to my attention that WW has a quirky way of making oatmeal. Apparently he puts in way too much water, microwaves it, and then drains the excess water with a spoon. Why he wouldn’t just read the instructions and put in the require amount of water, remains a mystery.
All-you-can-eat buffets
When my family goes out to a buffet, there is no joking around. Papa Cat and Bro Cat usually discuss with each other about how they can “make up” for my lack of ability to consumer mass amounts of food. They say that I “don’t get my money’s worth.” I often get reprimanded for loading up on salad and not getting enough meat. Wow, you would think we’re living on welfare and used to scavenging for our food. Clearly the W family loves nothing more than to get as much value as possible out of our purchases.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Nunchucks & Cordless Phones
If anyone knows WW, he sure has a way of making a first impression. Whether it is over the phone or at the dinner table, Papa Cat never fails to create an "unforgettable" first impression.
Phone Manners: Zero to none
Many family friends can attest to WW’s lack of phone etiquette. Don’t expect him to ever pass on a message. If you are not home, his response is usually “Nope, not home. Call back later.” Click (he NEVER says “Bye.”) Above all, WW’s despises telemarketers. Most times he won’t even let them finish their pitch before he tells them to “FAA COFFF” and then hangs up. Actually, you’re lucky if he even answers the phone. WW LOVES call display. If he doesn’t recognize the caller, there is no chance he is picking up… and even if he does recognize the caller but it’s not for him (which it rarely is), he still won't pick up. He will hear the phone ring and just watch everyone else in the house run around looking for a phone, while he is sitting right next to one, He always says, “It’s never for me anyways. I don’t want to talk to them. You pick it up.” I wouldn’t even be surprised if he screens my calls when I’m not home!
It’s quite odd that Papa Cat doesn’t like to answer the phone, because he is obsessed with knowing exactly where all the phones in the house are located. We have 5 cordless phones and there must be, at all times, 1 on the second level, 1 in the basement and 3 on the main level. Specifically, 1 in the family room, 1 in the kitchen and 1 that is on a charger just in case one of the other phones dies. The minute WW enters the house (after he asks if you kicked the mud flaps of course), he must locate all phones to ensure that the phones are in their proper locations. Anyone who accidentally leaves a phone on a different level, will experience the wrath of WW. Also, if he sees 4 phones on the main level he will say "Where did does this belong??" Dad, cordless phone are meant to be portable. You are defeating the whole purpose of cordless!! He clearly does not understand the concept. Papa Cat’s stress level would probably decrease significantly if we only had corded phones in the house (another example of his Techno Peasantry ).
Dinner Etiquette: Negative
The first time I had my friend MM over for dinner was in highschool. We were working on a project and it was her first time ever meeting the W clan. I’m sure “crazy” was an understatement for what she thought of us when she went home. During dinner, WW taught MM how to make nunchucks. Who is this guy?!? Yeah, my dad, the accountant, is teaching my new friend how to make nunchucks at the dinner table. Still, to this day, MM frequently reminds me of the time she first met Papa Cat. Hi-Yah! Karate Chop!
Phone Manners: Zero to none
Many family friends can attest to WW’s lack of phone etiquette. Don’t expect him to ever pass on a message. If you are not home, his response is usually “Nope, not home. Call back later.” Click (he NEVER says “Bye.”) Above all, WW’s despises telemarketers. Most times he won’t even let them finish their pitch before he tells them to “FAA COFFF” and then hangs up. Actually, you’re lucky if he even answers the phone. WW LOVES call display. If he doesn’t recognize the caller, there is no chance he is picking up… and even if he does recognize the caller but it’s not for him (which it rarely is), he still won't pick up. He will hear the phone ring and just watch everyone else in the house run around looking for a phone, while he is sitting right next to one, He always says, “It’s never for me anyways. I don’t want to talk to them. You pick it up.” I wouldn’t even be surprised if he screens my calls when I’m not home!
It’s quite odd that Papa Cat doesn’t like to answer the phone, because he is obsessed with knowing exactly where all the phones in the house are located. We have 5 cordless phones and there must be, at all times, 1 on the second level, 1 in the basement and 3 on the main level. Specifically, 1 in the family room, 1 in the kitchen and 1 that is on a charger just in case one of the other phones dies. The minute WW enters the house (after he asks if you kicked the mud flaps of course), he must locate all phones to ensure that the phones are in their proper locations. Anyone who accidentally leaves a phone on a different level, will experience the wrath of WW. Also, if he sees 4 phones on the main level he will say "Where did does this belong??" Dad, cordless phone are meant to be portable. You are defeating the whole purpose of cordless!! He clearly does not understand the concept. Papa Cat’s stress level would probably decrease significantly if we only had corded phones in the house (another example of his Techno Peasantry ).
Dinner Etiquette: Negative
The first time I had my friend MM over for dinner was in highschool. We were working on a project and it was her first time ever meeting the W clan. I’m sure “crazy” was an understatement for what she thought of us when she went home. During dinner, WW taught MM how to make nunchucks. Who is this guy?!? Yeah, my dad, the accountant, is teaching my new friend how to make nunchucks at the dinner table. Still, to this day, MM frequently reminds me of the time she first met Papa Cat. Hi-Yah! Karate Chop!
Monday, February 28, 2011
2 Bicycles
The other day my family was sitting around cracking open fortune cookies to read their fortunes. Why they had so many fortune cookies, I'm not sure. Perhaps Mama Cat decided to make a pit stop to the Fortune Cookie Factory (and yes, such a place does exists.) Bro Cat pulled out a fortune that read,
"Something on 4 wheels will soon be a fun investment for you!"
WW's response, "Ya, 2 bicycles."
Followed by "Tell your sister that for her blob. See, I'm funny."
Oh Papa Cat...
"Something on 4 wheels will soon be a fun investment for you!"
WW's response, "Ya, 2 bicycles."
Followed by "Tell your sister that for her blob. See, I'm funny."
Oh Papa Cat...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Work Is Thieving My Vision
I apologize for the long hiatus since my last post. I have a good excuse, I promise. So… basically I spent the past 2 weeks freaking out because I thought I was going blind in one eye. It all started when I began my new job in January. At work I stare at a computer screen for 8 hours a day, and by the end of the day I could barely read out of my left eye. It felt like I was only wearing one contact lens (for any one who knows the feeling.) OMG my work is thieving my vision!! I spent all last weekend scared sh*tless, thinking that I was going blind and would need a glass eye. A friend of mine even took the courtesy of Googling “glass eye.” Don’t do it, it will only make you feel worse… Thanks MM. After countless conversations with Mama Cat and other close friends making glass eye jokes, I decided to make an appointment to get the situation checked out. Meanwhile, I spent the days leading up to my appointment having slight heart attacks alone in my cubicle, thinking about all the possible causes of my blindness.
Luckily I live in the city that has the best optometry school in the country, and was able to get in for an appointment pretty quickly. Since it is a teaching school, I had a young man in his 3rd year do my eye exam. I could tell he was worried after performing the test, “Which lens is better? 1 or 2? Can you read the letters out to me?” To which my response was, “They’re all bad…and what letters? I can’t even see any letters.” You know something is wrong when a student says “I’ll be right back, I just need to check something with my supervisor.” All I could think was “FML, I need a glass eye.” So 2 hours later, they figured out that I have SUPER dry eyes and the “dryness” (or whatever) was blocking my line of vision in one eye. Really?!? That’s ALL?? Well, it means no contacts for 2 weeks and an eye drop regiment, but at least NO GLASS EYE!!! I really dodged a bullet.
As I was celebrating my new found appreciation for my eyes, the optometry student and his supervisor wanted to check to make sure that there nothing else was wrong with the back of my eyeballs. This involved dilating my pupils, causing blurred vision and sensitivity to sunlight for a couple hours. I had to go back to work after, but I thought, whatever, might as well. (When in Rome?) Yeah, so I get outside and find myself BLINDED by the slight ray of sun poking out from behind the clouds. It literally felt like the lightsabers were being jabbed through my eyes!! I had no idea where the bus stop was, so I wandered up the street, blind, looking like a complete psycho. Luckily I came across a bus stop with a bench; otherwise I never would have been able to see the bus stop sign. Ok, so I managed to get on the bus and get downtown to my office. I sat down at my computer only to realize that I couldn’t read a single thing. So I put some props up on my screen and ate snacks as slowly as I could until the blindness wore off. Wow… what an awesome day.
So this is my warning to you. Hit up the eye drops hard!! (Unless you live in Florida, then you’re probably ok.) Apparently lots of office buildings are super super dry, especially in the winter. Dry eyes can strike without any symptoms, so save yourself the “glass eye scare” and get some drops! People in your office might think you’re getting baked all the time, but at least you won’t look like Frankenstein.
…and that was why I haven’t updated lately. But since the eye situation is under control, there will be more Papa Cat stories to come!
P.S. Helen Keller was an amazing woman.
Luckily I live in the city that has the best optometry school in the country, and was able to get in for an appointment pretty quickly. Since it is a teaching school, I had a young man in his 3rd year do my eye exam. I could tell he was worried after performing the test, “Which lens is better? 1 or 2? Can you read the letters out to me?” To which my response was, “They’re all bad…and what letters? I can’t even see any letters.” You know something is wrong when a student says “I’ll be right back, I just need to check something with my supervisor.” All I could think was “FML, I need a glass eye.” So 2 hours later, they figured out that I have SUPER dry eyes and the “dryness” (or whatever) was blocking my line of vision in one eye. Really?!? That’s ALL?? Well, it means no contacts for 2 weeks and an eye drop regiment, but at least NO GLASS EYE!!! I really dodged a bullet.
As I was celebrating my new found appreciation for my eyes, the optometry student and his supervisor wanted to check to make sure that there nothing else was wrong with the back of my eyeballs. This involved dilating my pupils, causing blurred vision and sensitivity to sunlight for a couple hours. I had to go back to work after, but I thought, whatever, might as well. (When in Rome?) Yeah, so I get outside and find myself BLINDED by the slight ray of sun poking out from behind the clouds. It literally felt like the lightsabers were being jabbed through my eyes!! I had no idea where the bus stop was, so I wandered up the street, blind, looking like a complete psycho. Luckily I came across a bus stop with a bench; otherwise I never would have been able to see the bus stop sign. Ok, so I managed to get on the bus and get downtown to my office. I sat down at my computer only to realize that I couldn’t read a single thing. So I put some props up on my screen and ate snacks as slowly as I could until the blindness wore off. Wow… what an awesome day.
So this is my warning to you. Hit up the eye drops hard!! (Unless you live in Florida, then you’re probably ok.) Apparently lots of office buildings are super super dry, especially in the winter. Dry eyes can strike without any symptoms, so save yourself the “glass eye scare” and get some drops! People in your office might think you’re getting baked all the time, but at least you won’t look like Frankenstein.
…and that was why I haven’t updated lately. But since the eye situation is under control, there will be more Papa Cat stories to come!
P.S. Helen Keller was an amazing woman.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
My Blob
This just in, WW thinks I write a "Blob."
I was talking to Mama Cat on the phone the other night when she said something funny. So Papa Cat asked me "Are you going to write about your mom in your blob now?" One of the many examples of WW's Techno Peasantry...
I was talking to Mama Cat on the phone the other night when she said something funny. So Papa Cat asked me "Are you going to write about your mom in your blob now?" One of the many examples of WW's Techno Peasantry...
Monday, January 31, 2011
Party Animals
So do you remember going to your first party? (And by party I am referring to the kind where teenagers congregate in their parents’ basement, drink 1.5 coolers and then hug the porcelain for the rest of the night.) What did your parents say before you left the house? Probably something along the lines of "have fun, stay safe, be home by midnight." Well, things went a little differently in the WW household. As I was getting ready to go to my first party with a couple girlfriends, WW came to me and suggests that I bring the following 3 things to the party:
1) A whistle
2) Bear spray
3) A small Native American dagger
Yeah, he was 100% serious. Ok, I guess a whistle is somewhat justifiable…but not when you wear it around your neck like a soccer coach, as WW suggested. "*TWEEET!* STOP THE PARTY! DROP AND GIVE ME 10 before you try to roofy me again." I think it would have been a choking hazard more than anything. Secondly, bear spray?!? Chances are I will end up spraying myself in the eyes by accident. Lastly, why do you even have a dagger?? It looked like it should have been an artifact in a museum! And lets be serious, where did he expect me to keep said dagger? “Don’t worry guys, it’s just my casual dagger sticking out of my back pocket.”
I guess WW misunderstood and thought there would literally be animals at this party.
1) A whistle
2) Bear spray
3) A small Native American dagger
Yeah, he was 100% serious. Ok, I guess a whistle is somewhat justifiable…but not when you wear it around your neck like a soccer coach, as WW suggested. "*TWEEET!* STOP THE PARTY! DROP AND GIVE ME 10 before you try to roofy me again." I think it would have been a choking hazard more than anything. Secondly, bear spray?!? Chances are I will end up spraying myself in the eyes by accident. Lastly, why do you even have a dagger?? It looked like it should have been an artifact in a museum! And lets be serious, where did he expect me to keep said dagger? “Don’t worry guys, it’s just my casual dagger sticking out of my back pocket.”
I guess WW misunderstood and thought there would literally be animals at this party.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sh*t My Kids Are Useless!
A recent conversation with Bro Cat assured me that I will never run out of material to blog about.
“Yesterday we were talking about how you and I are both the same blood type as Mama Cat, and that we're compatible if anyone needs a kidney. WW, being a different blood type stated, ‘Sh*t! Both my kids are useless!’”
-Bro Cat circa January 2011
Keep ‘em coming WW!! You can’t make this sh*t up.
“Yesterday we were talking about how you and I are both the same blood type as Mama Cat, and that we're compatible if anyone needs a kidney. WW, being a different blood type stated, ‘Sh*t! Both my kids are useless!’”
-Bro Cat circa January 2011
Keep ‘em coming WW!! You can’t make this sh*t up.
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